When It’s Not Love, But Something More Intense: An Exploration of Limerence and ADHD

Is It Love or Limerence?

Falling in love can feel like the greatest thing in the world.

It brings butterflies in your stomach and a renewed excitement for things that once felt mundane. You might notice this when introducing your family or friends to a new romantic interest, feeling overwhelmed by anticipation, excitement, and the intoxicating promise of possibility.

But what happens when those butterfly feelings aren’t just the product of a new crush, but become more intense and seem to take on a life of their own?

You might be experiencing a phenomenon known as limerence.

Limerence, first described by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, is an involuntary obsession with another person that can be intense and overwhelming. While being in love can involve infatuation and a desire to spend time with someone new, limerence goes further. When your personal priorities fade in the face of powerful emotions and sensations that dominate every waking moment, it may be limerence.

How can you tell if you’re experiencing limerence rather than healthy excitement about new possibilities?

Physical symptoms of limerence can resemble anxiety: a racing heart, sweating, loss of appetite, insomnia, or even gastrointestinal discomfort when preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies about the object of your desire. It’s normal to feel nervous “butterflies” in a new relationship, but if these symptoms persist, especially when the person isn’t around, there may be more going on.

Emotional symptoms are also key. Are you experiencing dramatic mood swings, from depression to euphoria, based on even small interactions with your infatuation? Do you desperately long for romantic reciprocity that isn’t there, or find yourself caught in endless uncertainty about how the other person feels? Are your thoughts about them intrusive, happening at any time and making it hard to concentrate on daily life? Do you idealize them, minimizing or ignoring any flaws or red flags?

If so, you might be navigating limerence. It’s important to remember that limerence is not a mental illness; it’s an experience that anyone can have. These obsessional thoughts can become disruptive or emotionally painful, overshadowing the promise of new love. But limerence is not a life sentence, and therapeutic support can help you reduce its intensity and learn strategies to stay grounded, even when your heart and mind want to run away with the “what ifs.”

Limerence and ADHD: When Intensity Meets Neurodiversity

For neurodivergent folk, limerence can feel even more intense and overwhelming, and research suggests that individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may be especially vulnerable to these powerful feelings. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects attention, impulse control, and emotional regulation, but it also shapes how people seek out stimulation, novelty, and reward.

What is it about ADHD that might make limerence more likely and more intense? A crucial piece of the puzzle is dopamine, a neurotransmitter central to motivation, pleasure, and reward. Both limerence and ADHD are linked to differences in dopamine activity.

In ADHD, the brain often struggles to maintain optimal dopamine levels, leading to a constant search for stimulation and excitement. New romantic interests, with their promise of novelty and emotional highs, can provide a powerful surge of dopamine, making limerence especially captivating for someone with ADHD.

This heightened sensitivity to reward and novelty means people with ADHD may become intensely focused on a new romantic interest and sometimes lose touch with reality. The rush of excitement and anticipation can feel irresistible, and the desire for stimulation can make the object of limerence seem even more alluring. Although there is no direct research related to the experience of ADHD and limerence, research does show that individuals with ADHD often experience emotional impulsiveness and difficulty regulating feelings, which can amplify the obsessive and intrusive thoughts characteristic of limerence.

The ADHD neurotype is often viewed as having an “interest-based nervous system,” meaning motivation and attention are driven by what is novel, exciting, or emotionally charged.

Limerence, with its emotional highs and constant uncertainty, provides exactly the kind of stimulation the ADHD brain craves. This can create a cycle where the pursuit of emotional reward and novelty leads to even more intense preoccupation with the object of desire.

ADHD is also associated with higher rates of comorbid conditions like anxiety and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. These can further intensify limerence, making it harder to break free from intrusive thoughts and emotional swings.

If you have ADHD and find yourself caught in the grip of limerence, you are not alone. The combination of emotional sensitivity, impulsivity, and a drive for stimulation can make these experiences especially powerful. Understanding the mechanics behind these feelings is the first step toward managing them. Therapeutic support, especially approaches that focus on emotional regulation and mindfulness, can help you navigate the intensity of limerence and find balance in your romantic pursuits.

Recognizing the connection between ADHD and limerence can empower you to approach your feelings with greater self-awareness and compassion. While the search for excitement and connection is a natural part of being human, learning to channel these drives in healthy ways can help you build more fulfilling and sustainable relationships. Strategies to keep limerence in check can support you in bringing the loving joy you crave into your world, in a healthy and manageable way.

If you think you or a loved one might be struggling with limerence and ADHD, Adam and Paul are available for consultation and therapeutic support through the Calgary Therapy Institute.

Further Reading

Barkley, R. A., & Fischer, M. (2011). Predicting impairment in major life activities and occupational functioning in hyperactive children as adults: Self-reported executive function (EF) deficits versus EF tests. Developmental Neuropsychology, 36(2), 137–161. https://doi.org/10.1080/87565641.2010.549877

Kooij, J.J.S., Bijlenga, D., Salerno, L., et al. (2019). Updated European consensus statement on diagnosis and treatment of adult ADHD. European Psychiatry. 56(1), 14-34. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2018.11.001

Luman, M., Tripp, G., Scheres, A. (2010). Identifying the neurobiology of altered reinforcement sensitivity in ADHD: A review and research agenda. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 34(5), 744-754. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2009.11.021

Mitchell, J.T., Zylowska, L., Kollins, S.H. (2015). Mindfulness meditation training for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in adulthood: Current empirical support, treatment overview, and future directions. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 22(2), 172-191. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cbpra.2014.10.002

Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. American Journal of Psychiatry, 171(3), 276-293. https:// https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966

Tennov, D. (1979). Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Stein and Day. 

Volkow, N.D., Wang, G-J., Kollins, S.H. (2009). Evaluating dopamine reward pathway in ADHD: Clinical implications. JAMA, 302(10), 1084–1091. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2009.1308

Wyant, B. E. (2021). Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: A case study. Journal of Patient Experience, 8. https://doi.org/10.1177/23743735211060812