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Do you ever think about how people cope with life when life is too heavy?This month’s blog is a look back at the history of psychology, and at what Freud answered to this same question! Freud (generally considered the founder of psychoanalysis) devoted a lot of his life to understanding what people do when they are overwhelmed. He observed how people respond differently when they are overwhelmed. This idiosyncrasy is due to the way we were brought up, the people we surround ourselves with, and the experiences that we go through in life. The point is, at a certain moment, something happened, and you coped with that event in a way that worked. Humanly, we tend to repeat things that worked, and when we successfully repeat the same thing multiple times, that becomes a coping mechanism. The defence mechanisms  that are talked about in psychology are (in simple terms) coping mechanisms. The problem is not that they exist, but that they can become rigid and no longer fit the situation we’re in. Let’s look at some of the most common mechanisms: Denial:  We ignore reality. If the problem doesn’t exist, neither does the anxiety.For example, avoiding medical check-ups to not face a possible diagnosis. Projection:  we displace our feelings onto someone else. If someone else has these difficult or unacceptable feelings, then we don’t have to deal with them. Like feeling insecure about your attractiveness and accusing your partner of losing interest. Somatization : psychological distress, emotion, or trauma that shows up in the body. Overwhelming experiences can be converted into physical symptoms to make them less threatening. Like headaches, IBS-like symptoms, or tension. Like someone overly stressed at work who experiences that stress as tension in their neck and shoulders. Repression:  We unconsciously push painful thoughts or emotions out of awareness. We try to minimize experiences of guilt, anxiety, or fear. Like when you go through a particularly difficult break-up, yet you feel like everything is fine. Months later, you’re struck by intense grief out of nowhere. That feeling was not processed; it was repressed. Regression : We revert to earlier ways of coping (often more child-like). Like when you get stuck in traffic, and you throw a tantrum. This defence mechanism is more common in children and tends to be less frequent the more we age. Rationalization:  We create logical explanations for behaviours or feelings that are harder to face. This prevents us from having to deal with realities that are too harsh or with behaviours that are not in line with our moral code by finding a perfectly reasonable rationale for them. Like justifying flirting with other people because your partner doesn’t give you enough attention. Compartmentalization : We separate conflicting parts of ourselves to reduce internal tension. We might do this to preserve our interiorized self-image. Like someone who is assertive and strict at work but loving and forgiving in their relationships. By compartmentalizing, you can hold different images of yourself without dissonance and prevent yourself from changing. These are just a few examples, and this list is not exhaustive, but they illustrate the idea. Some of these are more straightforward and reshape reality (like denial). If it does not exist, I don’t have to face it. Some, instead, are more articulated or complex, and do not change reality, but instead they re-interpret it in a more manageable way (like rationalization). If it is different, I can face it more easily. Defence mechanisms often get a bad reputation. Even the word “defence” suggests that something must be hidden. But the truth is that these mechanisms often improve psychological and social functioning, especially in the short term. They are a way in which we preserve ourselves from difficult experiences. And honestly, who wants to suffer? So we cope as best as we can, using what has worked before. The difficulty begins when we rely only on one (or a few) defence mechanisms, or when these patterns become rigid. We trade flexibility and growth for safety. But guess what? It is very difficult for improvement to develop in our comfort zone. In therapy, we explore how these coping strategies have protected you. We unpack how or when you learned them. And we investigate different ways of approaching your life. So that the costs are worth the price. That same feeling of being stuck, of doing the same thing again and again, or not understanding why you cannot get further, can be your signal that what is keeping you there wants to be hidden. If you want to talk more about how you keep yourself safe, you can book a free 15-minute consultation. The first step is not going to get you where you want to be, but it gets you away from where you are.

From the Desk of Dr. Miller — January 2026 I write this blog on femicide a few weeks after Victoria, British Columbia experienced one of the first domestic violence homicides of 2026, on January 5. Throughout my career, I have worked across multiple areas of family violence, with a particular focus on intimate partner violence (IPV). In 2009, while working at the HIV clinic in Calgary, Alberta, we lost a patient to a domestic violence homicide–suicide (Miller et al., 2015). In response, our medical team made a deliberate decision to change how we spoke about domestic violence. Under the leadership of Dr. John Gill, we developed an IPV screening tool that was integrated into clinic protocol. We researched its effectiveness, published our findings, trained professionals, and ultimately saw the tool recognized by the Obama administration’s U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and implemented in emergency department settings. As a team, we committed to doing everything within our power to ensure we never lost another patient to femicide. To my knowledge, that clinic continues to meet this goal. Intimate partner violence must be talked about. It cannot remain hidden. Silence keeps violence contained within the home and renders it invisible. Violence must be seen, named, met with trauma-informed care, and stopped through appropriate legal responses. We must act now to prevent the burden of this public health crisis from continuing to fall disproportionately on women. The World Health Organization identifies IPV as a major global public health concern, affecting millions of women and resulting in immediate and long-term health, social, and economic consequences. Women account for the vast majority of those who experience gender-based violence, most often perpetrated by men (Burczycka, 2019). In 2019, of the 107,810 people aged 15 and older who experienced IPV, 79% were women (Conroy, 2021). Forty-four percent of women who had ever been in an intimate partner relationship—approximately 6.2 million women aged 15 and older—reported experiencing psychological, physical, or sexual abuse in an intimate relationship during their lifetime (Cotter, 2021). Women who experienced physical or sexual abuse before the age of 15 were nearly twice as likely as those without such histories to experience IPV later in life (67% versus 35%), or within the past 12 months (18% versus 10%) (Cotter, 2021). Among those who experienced IPV in the year preceding the survey, women were twice as likely as men to report daily or almost daily abuse (12% versus 6%) (Cotter, 2021). Indigenous women in Canada experience disproportionately high rates of IPV, with 61% reporting lifetime exposure compared to 44% of non-Indigenous women (Heidinger, 2021). Sixty-seven percent of LGB+ women who had ever been in an intimate partner relationship reported experiencing IPV since age 15, compared to 44% of heterosexual women (Jaffray, 2021). One in five (20%) LGB+ women experienced IPV in the past year—almost double the rate reported by heterosexual women (12%) (Jaffray, 2021). More than half (55%) of women with disabilities reported experiencing IPV in their lifetime, compared to 37% of women without disabilities (Savage, 2021). Among LGBTQ2 women with disabilities, nearly seven in ten (71%) experienced IPV since the age of 15 (Savage, 2021). Between 2014 and 2019, Canada recorded 497 victims of intimate partner homicide; 80%—or 400 individuals—were women (Conroy, 2021). This winter semester, on Monday afternoons, I teach 35 students at Mount Royal University in a course titled Interpersonal Violence Across the Lifespan. We engage difficult topics within the broader context of violence across human development. As I write this, I am struck by the urgency not just to discuss gender-based violence, but to act. Action is required from all of us—educators, first responders, community agencies, healthcare professionals, governments and all those ready to stop gender-based violence. In Canada, one woman or girl is killed by violence every two days (Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Peace, 2022). These statistics speak clearly: the loss of even one woman is too many. Gender-based violence is real. Femicide is a tragic and preventable outcome that demands immediate legal, social, medical, and governmental response to stop its devastating impact on communities across the country. Start the conversation to end gender-based violence. Act now. Get involved. Become part of the solution. Create legacies that build protective factors and work toward eliminating gender-based violence. Support those who are being harmed—and those who believe they have the right to harm others. “The other side of healing is bravery.” — Dr. P. Miller, 2024 References Burczycka, M. (2019). Trends in self-reported spousal violence in Canada, 2014. Statistics Canada. Canadian Femicide Observatory for Justice and Peace. (2022). Femicide in Canada: 2022 report. Conroy, S. (2021). Family violence in Canada: A statistical profile, 2019. Statistics Canada. Cotter, A. (2021). Intimate partner violence in Canada, 2018: An overview. Statistics Canada. Heidinger, L. (2021). Intimate partner violence among Indigenous women in Canada. Statistics Canada. Jaffray, B. (2021). Intimate partner violence among lesbian, gay, bisexual and other sexual minority people in Canada. Statistics Canada. Miller, P., Gill, J., et al. (2015). Interpersonal Violence and its Impact on Persons Living with HIV; A Social Work Response. Journal of HIV/AIDS and Social Services.14:3, 308-313. Savage, A. (2021). Intimate partner violence among persons with disabilities in Canada. Statistics Canada. World Health Organization. (n.d.). Violence against women: Intimate partner and sexual violence against women. World Health Organization.

Is It Love or Limerence? Falling in love can feel like the greatest thing in the world. It brings butterflies in your stomach and a renewed excitement for things that once felt mundane. You might notice this when introducing your family or friends to a new romantic interest, feeling overwhelmed by anticipation, excitement, and the intoxicating promise of possibility. But what happens when those butterfly feelings aren’t just the product of a new crush, but become more intense and seem to take on a life of their own? You might be experiencing a phenomenon known as limerence. Limerence, first described by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, is an involuntary obsession with another person that can be intense and overwhelming. While being in love can involve infatuation and a desire to spend time with someone new, limerence goes further. When your personal priorities fade in the face of powerful emotions and sensations that dominate every waking moment, it may be limerence. How can you tell if you’re experiencing limerence rather than healthy excitement about new possibilities? Physical symptoms of limerence can resemble anxiety: a racing heart, sweating, loss of appetite, insomnia, or even gastrointestinal discomfort when preoccupied with thoughts and fantasies about the object of your desire. It’s normal to feel nervous “butterflies” in a new relationship, but if these symptoms persist, especially when the person isn’t around, there may be more going on. Emotional symptoms are also key. Are you experiencing dramatic mood swings, from depression to euphoria, based on even small interactions with your infatuation? Do you desperately long for romantic reciprocity that isn’t there, or find yourself caught in endless uncertainty about how the other person feels? Are your thoughts about them intrusive, happening at any time and making it hard to concentrate on daily life? Do you idealize them, minimizing or ignoring any flaws or red flags? If so, you might be navigating limerence. It’s important to remember that limerence is not a mental illness; it’s an experience that anyone can have. These obsessional thoughts can become disruptive or emotionally painful, overshadowing the promise of new love. But limerence is not a life sentence, and therapeutic support can help you reduce its intensity and learn strategies to stay grounded, even when your heart and mind want to run away with the “what ifs.” Limerence and ADHD: When Intensity Meets Neurodiversity For neurodivergent folk, limerence can feel even more intense and overwhelming, and research suggests that individuals with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) may be especially vulnerable to these powerful feelings. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects attention, impulse control, and emotional regulation, but it also shapes how people seek out stimulation, novelty, and reward. What is it about ADHD that might make limerence more likely and more intense? A crucial piece of the puzzle is dopamine, a neurotransmitter central to motivation, pleasure, and reward. Both limerence and ADHD are linked to differences in dopamine activity. In ADHD, the brain often struggles to maintain optimal dopamine levels, leading to a constant search for stimulation and excitement. New romantic interests, with their promise of novelty and emotional highs, can provide a powerful surge of dopamine, making limerence especially captivating for someone with ADHD. This heightened sensitivity to reward and novelty means people with ADHD may become intensely focused on a new romantic interest and sometimes lose touch with reality. The rush of excitement and anticipation can feel irresistible, and the desire for stimulation can make the object of limerence seem even more alluring. Although there is no direct research related to the experience of ADHD and limerence, research does show that individuals with ADHD often experience emotional impulsiveness and difficulty regulating feelings, which can amplify the obsessive and intrusive thoughts characteristic of limerence. The ADHD neurotype is often viewed as having an “interest-based nervous system,” meaning motivation and attention are driven by what is novel, exciting, or emotionally charged. Limerence, with its emotional highs and constant uncertainty, provides exactly the kind of stimulation the ADHD brain craves. This can create a cycle where the pursuit of emotional reward and novelty leads to even more intense preoccupation with the object of desire. ADHD is also associated with higher rates of comorbid conditions like anxiety and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. These can further intensify limerence, making it harder to break free from intrusive thoughts and emotional swings. If you have ADHD and find yourself caught in the grip of limerence, you are not alone. The combination of emotional sensitivity, impulsivity, and a drive for stimulation can make these experiences especially powerful. Understanding the mechanics behind these feelings is the first step toward managing them. Therapeutic support, especially approaches that focus on emotional regulation and mindfulness, can help you navigate the intensity of limerence and find balance in your romantic pursuits. Recognizing the connection between ADHD and limerence can empower you to approach your feelings with greater self-awareness and compassion. While the search for excitement and connection is a natural part of being human, learning to channel these drives in healthy ways can help you build more fulfilling and sustainable relationships. Strategies to keep limerence in check can support you in bringing the loving joy you crave into your world, in a healthy and manageable way. If you think you or a loved one might be struggling with limerence and ADHD, Adam and Paul are available for consultation and therapeutic support through the Calgary Therapy Institute. Further Reading Barkley, R. A., & Fischer, M. (2011). Predicting impairment in major life activities and occupational functioning in hyperactive children as adults: Self-reported executive function (EF) deficits versus EF tests.  Developmental Neuropsychology ,  36(2), 137–161 . https://doi.org/10.1080/87565641.2010.549877 Kooij, J.J.S., Bijlenga, D., Salerno, L., et al. (2019). Updated European consensus statement on diagnosis and treatment of adult ADHD.  European Psychiatry . 56(1), 14-34 . https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eurpsy.2018.11.001 Luman, M., Tripp, G., Scheres, A. (2010). Identifying the neurobiology of altered reinforcement sensitivity in ADHD: A review and research agenda. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 34(5), 744-754.   https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2009.11.021 Mitchell, J.T., Zylowska, L., Kollins, S.H. (2015). Mindfulness meditation training for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder in adulthood: Current empirical support, treatment overview, and future directions. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 22(2), 172-191. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cbpra.2014.10.002 Shaw, P., Stringaris, A., Nigg, J., & Leibenluft, E. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.  American Journal of Psychiatry, 171 (3), 276-293. https:// https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.2013.13070966 Tennov, D. (1979).  Love and limerence: The experience of being in love . Stein and Day.  Volkow, N.D., Wang, G-J., Kollins, S.H. (2009). Evaluating dopamine reward pathway in ADHD: Clinical implications. JAMA, 302(10), 1084–1091 . https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.2009.1308 Wyant, B. E. (2021). Treatment of limerence using a cognitive behavioral approach: A case study.  Journal of Patient Experience ,  8 . https://doi.org/10.1177/23743735211060812

From the desk of Dr. Miller Today- I am writing to acknowledge those who have and do serve this country. Tomorrow is Remembrance Day- and today, I write to share my thoughts on the burden of this work, I have done on behalf of those who have served, and those who love those, who have and/or are serving. We must never forget this beautiful country- which has been protected by military personal, who serve and have served. Many hours of my clinical practice have been developed in relation to supporting those who carry the psychological burden and weight of that service. Today, I write to honour those stories, and recognize your bravery, and suffering. My mind has travelled through many operations, wars, loses and victories. Know the honour is mine to be in the privilege of your work, and to be walking on the land of this country- with safety, and the freedom we have. Thank-you for your service, the dedication and the burden you carry. You are not alone- and tomorrow is a day we nationally recognize the weight of the work done, while knowing the work is never done- as we fight for our beautiful country, called Canada.

“Education is like breathing; it opens up the possibility for the ongoing growth of the human mind and body while creating the potential for intergenerational change.” – Dr. P. Miller, 2025 In 2022/2023, approximately 2.2 million students will enroll in universities and colleges across Canada ( www.150.statcan.gc.ca ). That’s an incredible number of young adults walking through the doors of inspiring universities across Canada. This blog is written by me, Dr. Miller—mom, researcher, business owner, psychologist, and academic at Mount Royal University, Canada. This fall, all three of my adult children will be attending universities across Canada as they advance their careers, support their families, and contribute to the Canadian workforce. We’ve become an education-focused family, and while we’re fortunate, it also means juggling deadlines and a commitment to getting things done. This blog is written by my youngest daughter and myself to inspire, support, and guide both parents and post-secondary students. It's normal to feel anxious as you approach your first days of post-secondary school, so it's important to develop good support systems. Remember: you’re not alone in feeling afraid, stressed, excited, or eager to start and finish what you wish to accomplish. For students: when you’re feeling afraid, remind yourself that you made it and got yourself through the doors, with the help of various supports. The potential is within you- and you are not alone in feeling afraid. As a Parent: I remember the day I dropped my youngest daughter off at university—across the country in beautiful Nova Scotia. It was a bittersweet moment, leaving her behind with her fellow students, staying in residence. I was filled with the anxiety of “Will she be okay?” These normal fears didn’t have immediate answers, except a text from her saying, “Have a safe trip home. I love you and thank you for supporting me in getting to university.” There were a few tears on the flight home, but I knew they were normal. Of course, the house felt quieter and less chaotic. I reclaimed parts of the home, feeling both sadness and happiness for her newfound life experience. To stay connected with a university student (i.e., your child), I developed a schedule for check-ins. Every Sunday was a mandatory call, and throughout the week, we had check-ins, letters, and small packages to encourage and comfort her—letting her know she was always in my thoughts. Here are some additional parenting hacks for ongoing connection: 1. Texting – Not too often, but often enough to find a rhythm that works for everyone. 2. Check-ins, especially when exam and paper-writing seasons hit. 3. If they are studying in another province, send letters with small reminders from home, like food, books, or pictures of pets. 4. Things to look forward to – remind them of upcoming breaks and encourage family members to check in (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and other support figures). 5. If you think they are struggling, get involved—Canadian universities, colleges, and technical institutes offer excellent student services that can help with mental health, medical services, food banks, and other student resources. 6. Encourage them to make friends, maintain a healthy sleep schedule, have fun, and find a balance, as it’s easy to get behind with academic work when deadlines pile up. 7. If you’re worried about your child’s well-being, seek professional support. 8. Lastly, trust that they are growing into the best version of themselves and can manage their schedules, eat properly, and get to class on time. If they don’t quite get it this year, they can always try again or find ways to balance work and school. Things Parents Experience: There are many thoughts and feelings parents experience as they send their children off to postsecondary: Did I do enough to prepare them? Am I glad they are spreading their wings and growing into good humans? Am I afraid they may not make it? Will they make good friends? These thoughts, while you’re lying awake at night, are normal (or some parents might sleep better, now that their young adult is no longer coming home late at night). It’s normal to want to know what’s happening in your child’s life, but they can handle some responsibility. There’s a continuum of experiences parents go through—some are easier to manage than others. Parents need support during this transition too. Some are eager to move on, travel, read, and rest more, while others may miss the busy routine of running kids to activities. Whatever you're feeling is "okay." Your adult child is off and running—and probably won’t return home until the first break. If they live at home, expect them to be busy with their academic work and less involved in family chores. You can support your child in getting their work done, but they also need to learn to manage their schoolwork. The academic world today is about young people learning time management and developing personal responsibility within their academic communities. Growing a good human takes time and energy- which they now can share in the responsibility of- aka- you did a good job to support them to be a post-secondary student. As an Educator: Being a post-secondary educator has been a fulfilling aspect of my career. I’m a lifelong learner, and for the first time, I’m not chasing another degree (after completing two master’s and Ph.D’s. while raising a family and working). From a classroom perspective, research shows that mental health concerns affect approximately 75% of students, with 32% reporting their mental health as poor or very poor (Canadian Association of Student Associations and Mental Health Commission of Canada, 2022). As educators, we see these challenges and support students by encouraging them to use mental health resources. While these statistics may elevate concerns for both professionals and parents, rest assured: Canadian post-secondary institutions offer robust resources to support students. I always encourage students to use these resources, meet with a counselor, and build their own support networks. Standing in a classroom with university students is an incredible experience. I am proud to help shape the future of these young people—like breathing, it feels natural and invigorating. As I enter another academic year, even if it’s just one class this time, I’m excited to continue this significant role in shaping society. As a researcher- I know the importance of developing and supporting a robust academic community for our Canadian society. We are stronger, and this has been proven throughout history. We need each other to get through trying times. To Continue Where My Mother Left Off… Hi! I’m Dakota, entering my fourth year of university. As someone born and raised in Alberta, moving across the country for university in Nova Scotia was a big decision. I questioned it in those first few weeks, but I’m incredibly grateful for the time and experiences I’ve had here. Now that you know a bit about my journey, I want to ease some of your worries and give you a first-hand look into freshman year at a Canadian university. Welcome to University – the most thrilling, exciting, nerve-wracking, joyful, scary, and special time of your life so far. I remember the week leading up to my first year of university like it was yesterday. The uncertainty of leaving home, moving to a strange new place, and wondering, “What have I done?” The excitement of finding a dorm, then arriving at the university for the first time and feeling overwhelmed. But my parents helped me settle in. There were moments of sadness and confusion, but also the excitement of meeting new people and making new friends. It was a whirlwind. In sum, your first year of university is a time of mixed emotions and new experiences. While it wasn’t always easy, I still vividly remember the excitement of those first few weeks. It’s an experience like no other. My biggest advice for freshman students is to lean into every emotion. This is one of the most exciting times in your life—so enjoy and savor every moment! You’ll look back and wonder how it all went by so quickly. Think of your freshman year as a clean slate. Step out of your comfort zone. Try new things. I was overwhelmed by the social scene at first, but I forced myself to talk to people—and it paid off. I met one of my best friends on the second day, and I’m so glad I pushed through my fears. Once the excitement fades and things get real, it can be tough. But I promise it will be okay. I had no family in Nova Scotia when I moved there, but soon enough, I built my own support system with friends who became my new family. To all the parents out there: it will be okay. Trust that you raised your child well and gave them the tools to succeed. Even if we seem grown up, we still need your support. I may be independent, but sometimes, I need the comfort of knowing my parents are there to tell me it will all be okay. And don’t forget, care packages, snacks, coffee gift cards, and pictures of pets are always appreciated. Leaving home was hard, but it was also one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. Distance has made me appreciate home even more. As my university chapter nears its end, I’m so grateful for the experiences I’ve had. Students, lean into this exciting time! Find your people and lean on them during tough times.   You’re about to embark on one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. Parents, repeat after me: “It will all be okay.” And it will. You may miss us, but soon enough, we’ll be back, driving you crazy again. One last piece of advice: Check out all the university resources available to your child. If eligible, accommodation centers for testing can be a huge support. Familiarizing your child with health and counseling resources early on is also a good idea. Good luck as your child embarks on their university journey. As for me, I can’t wait to go back for my final year, though I’ll miss this experience. Be bold. Be brave. Have fun! And remember, it will all be okay. Sincerely, Dakota We are proud to Be Canadians – Chins Up, Everyone! Sincerely, Dr. Miller R. Psych. MA Counselling Psychology, Psy.D., BSW, RCMSW, PhD (Behavioral and Social Sciences) References • Mental Health Commission of Canada: Retrieved August 30, 2025, from https://mentalhealthcommission.ca/resource/insights-on-implementation-of-the-nationalstandard- for-mental-health-and-well-being-of-post-secondary-students/ • Statistics Canada: Released November 20, 2024 (Retrieved August 30, 2025) from https://www150.statcan.gc.ca/n1/daily-quotidien/241120/dq241120b-eng.htm

While summer can be a time to enjoy the outdoors, it can also highlight the impacts of climate change. It is normal to feel anxious or overwhelmed when confronted by the uncertainty and consequences that climate change brings forth. At times, feelings of anxiety can push us towards action. That being said, climate change is not an issue that any person can take on by themselves. The aim of this blog is to explore ways to cope with some of the difficult emotions that arise as a result of climate change.    Focusing on what is within your control Trying to tackle issues that are outside of our control can feel overwhelming. Additionally, it is unfair to expect ourselves to be able to resolve such issues. One thing we can do to cope with feelings of anxiety is to focus on what is within our control. This can mean reflecting on whether our actions are in alignment with personal values. For example, if you value sustainability, you might choose to let that guide some decision making.    Getting involved in your local community is another way to focus on what is within your control. This could mean working towards positive change on a community level, or it may mean focusing on building connections with the people around you.    Mindful consumption of media While it is important to be informed on climate related news, it is also important to consider how much we are engaging with difficult content on both news outlets and social media.  Too much time spent engaging with this content is likely to negatively impact mental health. Consider creating parameters around media use. This could mean decreasing time spent scrolling on your phone, or making time for activities that provide a break from this content (e.g., spending time in nature).    Moving away from all or nothing thinking  When we are feeling anxious or facing uncertainty, it is common to notice “all or nothing” thinking, or a focus on the worse case scenario. Research has found that shifting away from this thinking, and having a more “grey” perspective on climate change can be helpful for coping with climate anxiety.    Being open to support  There are many people who experience climate related anxiety. Shared experiences and social support can be powerful. Allow yourself the opportunity to speak with others who share your concerns and/or values.     Author: Sarah Bethune , Registered Psychotherapist   References    Collier, S. (2022, June 13). If climate change keeps you up at night, here’s how to cope. Harvard Health Publishing. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/is-climate-change-keeping-you-up-at-night-you-may-have-climate-anxiety-202206132761     Crandon, T. J, Scott, J. G, Charlson, F.J, & Thomas, H.J (2024). A theoretical model of climate anxiety and coping. Discover Psychology, 4 (39).    Van Valkengoed, A. M, Steg, L. (2024). The climate anxiety compass: A framework to map the solution space for coping with climate anxiety. Dialogues on Climate Change, 1 (1).

One of the most common—and often most difficult—questions I’m asked is: “What is play therapy?” The Association for Play Therapy defines it as “the systematic use of a theoretical model to establish an interpersonal process wherein trained play therapists use the therapeutic powers of play to help clients prevent or resolve psychosocial difficulties and achieve optimal growth and development”  (Association for Play Therapy, 2014). Let’s break that down. Why Play?  Play is essential to a child’s brain development. Research shows that play supports growth in several areas—cognitive, social-emotional, language, physical, and motor skills. As adults, we rely on language to express ourselves. We often encourage children to “use their words,” which is important—but it's also important to remember that not all communication is verbal. As renowned play therapy expert Dr. Gary Landreth explains, “Toys are children’s words, and play is their language.” In play therapy, we meet children at their developmental level. Rather than asking children to adapt to adult ways of communicating, play therapists tune into the child's world and help them express themselves in the way that feels most natural to them—through play. How is Play Therapeutic?  Play therapy is an evidence-based approach that helps children heal and grow by using their natural language—play. Play activities may include creative arts (painting, clay, collage), music, storytelling, role play, sand play, movement, games, dolls, and puppets.  Play therapy is commonly used with children aged four and up, since play skills typically begin to develop more fully by age five. However, therapeutic play can be beneficial for people of all ages—including adolescents and adults, as they may feel more comfortable expressing themselves through art, sand tray, or movement rather than traditional talk therapy. Play therapy can help address a wide range of challenges, including: Emotional regulation Life transitions or changes in family dynamics Grief and loss Trauma Chronic illness Behavioral issues Mental health concerns (e.g., anxiety, depression, ADHD) Social difficulties According to Landreth (2024), “Children express themselves more fully and more directly through self-initiated play than they do verbally because they are comfortable with play.” Toys and activities often become an extension of the child, allowing them to express their feelings, needs, thoughts, and sense of self. Sometimes, emotions and experiences are too overwhelming or complex for children to express with words. Toys and activities create a safe distance for children and youth to act, re-enact, and explore abstract concepts in the here and now. Through symbolic play—like acting out an army battle or disciplining a doll—children can process difficult experiences in a safe and manageable way. Play also gives children a sense of control. When a child re-enacts a traumatic or stressful experience through play, they have the chance to take control of the narrative, which can help them build mastery, develop coping strategies, and experience emotional resolution. Therapeutic Benefits of Play  Facilitates communication  Encourages self-expression Helps process emotionally heavy experiences Creates learning opportunities (both direct and indirect) Fosters emotional wellness  Helps children identify, express, and manage emotions Supports positive emotional experiences and stress relief Enhances social relationships  Encourages empathy and connection Strengthens interpersonal skills and attachment Increases personal strengths  Boosts self-esteem Builds self-regulation skills Strengthen problem-solving skills  Enhance moral development Role of a Play Therapist At the heart of play therapy is the therapeutic relationship. A play therapist: Builds a safe, accepting, and supportive environment Believes in the child’s ability to solve problems and heal Understands that growth is a gradual process Follows the child’s lead while gently guiding progress Therapists vary in how much they direct the play. Some take a more hands-on approach, while others observe and interpret themes, patterns, and emotional cues that arise during play. A skilled therapist will adjust their approach based on the child’s state of awareness and will use different tools and activities depending on what the child needs. Progress is tracked through these observations. What to Expect Parents and caregivers play an essential role in a child’s healing process. Most therapists start with a session just for parents or caregivers to gather background information and set goals. Ongoing 1:1 sessions are held with the child, with many therapists schedule parent check-ins every 4–5 sessions to discuss progress and support strategies at home. In Summary: Play therapy allows children to express, explore, and process their world in a way that feels natural and safe. With the guidance of a trained therapist and the support of engaged caregivers, play becomes a powerful tool for healing and growth. Author: Emily Dulong , Registered Social Worker References:  Association for Play Therapy. (2014). About play therapy . Retrieved from https://www.a4pt.org/page/AboutAPT Landreth, G.L. (2024). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship  (4th ed.). Routledge. Panksepp, J. (2013). How primary-process emotional systems guide child development. In Evolution, early experience and human development: From research to practice and policy  (pp. 74-94). Parson, J. (2017). Puppet play therapy: Integrating theory, evidence, and action (ITEA) [Presentation]. International Play Therapy Study Group. Adapted from C. E. Schaefer & A. A. Drewes (2014). The therapeutic powers of play: 20 core agents of change  (2nd ed.). Wiley. Yasenik, L., & Gardner, K. (2024).  Play Therapy Dimensions Model: New Insights for Integrative Play Therapists . Jessica Kingsley Publishers.

Navigating life’s challenges can sometimes feel like you’re caught in a storm. Between the pressures of tax season, the never-ending demands of school, and the inevitable changes that life throws at us, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and even overstimulated. Let’s explore these pressures and find some strategies to rebalance and manage our overall well-being.   When Finances Feel Overwhelming Tax season and money worries aren’t just about balancing the numbers - they strike right at our sense of security. Research has shown that financial stress can impact mental health, fuelling psychological distress (Dawson & Kessler, 2016; Ryu & Fan, 2023 ). Understanding that these feelings are valid is the first step in managing them. Strategies to Cope Break it Down: Instead of getting lost in the big picture of tax season, try to focus on one small task at a time. A checklist can make the process feel less daunting and can also help us remember we are making progress. Ask for Help: Sometimes, talking to a financial advisor or expert can help clarify uncertainty. Asking a mental health professional about ways to navigate overwhelm may also be helpful. Exercise: Engaging in physical activity has been shown to alleviate stress and anxiety (Rebar et al., 2015), which may be beneficial when managing feelings associated with financial concerns. Riding the Waves of Student Life If you’re a student, you know how intense academic pressures can be. Balancing classes, overall health, social life, and planning for the future can feel like trying to navigate unpredictable waves - some days are calm, while others bring crashing tides.  It can be a tough ride, but you’re not in it alone. Strategies to Cope Organize Your Time: Planning your day in chunks. Breaking your schedule into manageable parts can make your to-do list seem less intimidating. Lean on Your Support System: Whether it’s friends, mentors, or counsellors, having someone to talk to can make a difference and is a good reminder that you’re not alone! Take Care of Yourself: Remember to eat well, exercise, and take breaks. This can be tough with a full schedule, but even small acts of self-care and self-compassion can help us maintain good health. Embracing Life Transitions Life is full of changes - switching careers, navigating the end or beginning of relationships, or moving from high school to post-secondary. These transitions can be both exciting and scary. While change can be stressful, it can also be a powerful opportunity for growth. Strategies to Cope Reflect on Your Journey: Think back to times when you’ve successfully navigated change. Remind yourself of your own resilience. Set Realistic Goals: Divide your fresh start into bite-sized, achievable steps. Don’t be afraid to celebrate the small wins! Stay Connected: Keeping in touch with your support system may help you feel more grounded as you navigate stress (Ozbay et al., 2007). Bringing It All Together Feeling overwhelmed by taxes, school pressures, or life changes is something many of us experience. These challenges might seem different, but they all call for a bit of structure, support, and self-compassion. Remember, it’s okay to take one step at a time. If ever the stress feels too heavy, consider reaching out to a mental health professional - they can offer support tailored to your unique situation. Every challenge is a chance to learn more about your inner strength. You’re not alone in facing these ups and downs, and every small step forward is a victory worth celebrating.   "You cannot stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."— Jon Kabat-Zinn   Author: Ciara Neave , Registered Provisional Psychologist References Dawson, P., & Kessler, R. C. (2016). Financial stress and mental health: The impact of tax season on psychological well-being. Journal of Mental Health Studies, 25 (3), 195–205. https://doi.org/   10.1007/s10834-022-09820-9 Ozbay, F., Johnson, D. C., Dimoulas, E., Morgan, C. A., Charney, D., & Southwick, S. (2007).  Social support and resilience to stress: From neurobiology to clinical practice.  Psychiatry (Edgmont), 4 (5), 35–40.  https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2921311/ Rebar, A. L., Stanton, R., Geard, D., Short, C., Duncan, M. J., & Vandelanotte, C. (2015). A meta-meta-analysis of the effect of physical activity on depression and anxiety in non-clinical adult populations. Health Psychology Review, 9 (3), 366- 378. https://doi.org/10.1080/17437199.2015.1022901 Ryu, S., & Fan, L. (2023). The Relationship Between Financial Worries and Psychological Distress Among U.S. Adults.  Journal of Family and Economic Issues, 44 (1), 16–33. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10834-022-09820-9

As the school year inches toward its final months, the weight of teaching feels heavier than ever. The energy we started with in September is long gone, replaced by a delicate balance of resilience and exhaustion. Springtime in education isn’t just about wrapping up curriculums and preparing for assessments—it’s about navigating the growing demands on our time, our patience, and, most importantly, our well-being. This year, in particular, is presenting new challenges. With the ongoing custodial staff strike and the looming possibility of a teachers' strike, the stress is palpable. The uncertainty of labor action adds an extra layer of pressure to an already demanding profession. Schools are ecosystems, and when one part is in distress, the entire system feels the impact. From navigating unclean classrooms to worrying about job security, educators are carrying more than their share of emotional and physical burdens. Yet, in the midst of this chaos, there’s one thing we often neglect—ourselves. As teachers, we are conditioned to push through, to prioritize our students over our own needs. But at what cost? Burnout is real, and the constant giving without replenishment leaves us depleted. A recent study of Canadian teachers found that those who reported taking 11 or more sick days in the previous academic year were at least three times more likely to exhibit high stress, emotional exhaustion, likely Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), low resilience, and likely Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) than educators with no sick days during the preceding year (Agyapong et al., 2024). These findings highlight the critical link between teacher well-being and their ability to remain engaged and effective in the classroom. You Can't Pour From an Empty Cup Teaching is a profession built on giving—time, attention, energy, and care to students every single day. But what happens when there's nothing left to give? Just like a cup that runs dry, teachers who don’t take time to refill their own reserves find themselves exhausted, irritable, and struggling to maintain the enthusiasm that makes learning engaging. Ignoring our own well-being risks not only our health but also the quality of education we provide. A depleted teacher lacks the patience to handle challenging student behaviors, the creativity to make lessons engaging, and the resilience to navigate everyday stressors. Prioritizing self-care isn’t an indulgence; it’s a necessity for sustaining a long and fulfilling career in education. Just as we ensure our students are equipped with the tools they need to learn, we must equip ourselves with the tools to stay healthy, balanced, and energized. Whether it’s taking a few moments to breathe, setting clear boundaries, or making time for activities that bring joy, these small steps make a significant difference in keeping our cups full. The Many Hats of a Teacher: A Daily Balancing Act Despite knowing we need to care for ourselves, the reality is that teachers don’t just teach. We mentor, supervise, plan, encourage, and adapt—all while juggling limited time and resources. Our days extend far beyond the classroom, often blurring the line between professional responsibilities and personal well-being. A typical week includes:  Mentorship and coaching – guiding students through sports, clubs, and extracurricular activities  Supervision – ensuring safe and supportive environments during recess and lunch breaks  Lesson planning and preparation – crafting meaningful learning experiences outside of instructional hours  Encouraging student engagement – fostering motivation through creative strategies, incentives, and relationship-building  Filling gaps where needed – stepping in when substitute teachers aren’t available, adjusting schedules, and supporting colleagues  Organizing enriching experiences – coordinating field trips, hands-on learning, and school-wide events to enhance education  Managing classroom resources – finding innovative ways to access and provide materials that support student learning And then there are Blue Days—those bitterly cold, -20°C and below days when students can’t go outside. Instead of a much-needed break for fresh air and movement, both teachers and students remain indoors all day, shifting from structured lessons to restless indoor activities. These days require extra patience, flexibility, and creativity to keep students engaged, while also ensuring that everyone—including teachers—makes it through the day with their energy and sanity intact. Adding to the challenge, financial and resource constraints make our jobs even harder. Budgets are stretched thin, and teachers often find themselves spending their own money on classroom supplies, innovative learning tools, or even basic necessities to create a supportive learning environment. The drive to provide engaging, meaningful education never fades, even when resources are limited—but at what cost to our well-being? So how do we manage all of this without running on empty? It’s often said that you can’t pour from an empty cup. Just as students rely on us to be present and engaged, we must ensure we have the capacity to meet their needs. Research consistently shows that when educators take care of their own well-being, they are more effective in the classroom and less susceptible to burnout. A survey conducted among members of the British Columbia Teachers’ Federation in 2023 revealed heightened stress and workload among nearly two-thirds of the respondents, with approximately 40% reporting a decline in their physical or mental health compared to the previous year (British Columbia Teachers' Federation, 2023). Practical Strategies to Add Mindfulness Without Taking Extra Time: Use micro-breaks effectively – Take a moment to step outside for fresh air, stretch in between lessons, or sip water to reset your focus. Create a calm transition ritual – Play soft instrumental music or dim the lights briefly between lessons to provide a mental shift for both students and yourself. Have a teacher buddy system – Rotate short breaks with a colleague when possible to support one another’s well-being. Use student helpers – Assign small classroom responsibilities to students who can manage simple tasks, reducing your cognitive load. Build transition moments into your routine – Instead of rushing from one thing to another, take 10 seconds to pause, ground yourself, and mentally prepare for the next task. Filling Your Cup: Small, Meaningful Changes That Make a Difference Beyond personal well-being, leaning on our colleagues makes an enormous difference:  Seek advice on specific students – Other teachers may have helpful insights.  Co-plan or split planning – Divide the workload by planning different lessons.  Borrow materials – Teachers understand the struggle and are often willing to share. And most importantly—make time for joy: Get outside when possible – Incorporate outdoor learning into your curriculum. Connect with a friend – Plan a walk or a coffee break to reset. Find ways to love what you do – Identify small joys in your daily work. Let’s Change the Conversation Teaching shouldn’t be about just surviving—it should be about thriving. When we take care of ourselves, we not only improve our well-being but also create a more positive and enriching environment for our students. To continue this conversation and build a supportive community, I am offering a Revive and Thrive Workshop for Educators: Start Date July 8: 1:00-3:00 PM (once a week for 4 weeks)  Focus: Connection, Community & Wellness Strategies To register: Email shawna@calgarythearpyinstitute.com   or call 403-640-7667. Take a moment for yourself today—you deserve it! Author: Shawna Cunha, Registered Provisional Psychologist   References:   Agyapong, B., Wei, Y., da Luz Dias, R., Orimalade, A., Brett-MacLean, P., & Agyapong, V. I. O. (2024). Psychological problems among elementary and high school educators in Canada: Association with sick days in the prior school year. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, 1442871. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1442871 British Columbia Teachers' Federation. (2023). Teacher workload and stress survey. Retrieved from https://bctf.ca Ferguson, G., Frost, N., & Hall, N. (2022). Teacher stress and well-being in Canada. Canadian Journal of Education, 45(3), 234-258.

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can impact many domains of an individual’s life, including their romantic relationships and partnerships. Some of the core features of ADHD can bring a lot of excitement, spontaneity, passion, and creativity to a new relationship, but it can also bring with it a lot of challenging moments that can have significant impacts on the relationship dynamic, especially over time. What once might have been a fun quirk can evolve to become an on-going point of contention, leading to conflict, communication breakdown, and negative or inconsistent impacts on emotional connection and physical intimacy. When we have a better understanding of ADHD and how it might show up in our relationships and gain the communication skills and boundaries needed to support the dynamic in a healthy way, these relationships can be highly workable and satisfying. But when we don’t, they can be volatile, unstable, and rife with conflict. Understanding ADHD in Relationships As a neurodevelopmental condition, ADHD is considered a unique neurotype with an interest and stimulation-based framework for the world. Core features of ADHD are typically understood as distractibility, impulsivity, hyperactivity, and challenges with emotional control. These core features of this condition can lead to misunderstandings, conflicts, and at times a feeling of imbalance between partners, where one partner might almost feel like they are in a parenting role for the other. Understandably, this can lead to one partner feeling overwhelmed with responsibility while the other partner faces challenges with consistency and follow-through. Common Challenges with an ADHD Partner When ADHD is present in the partnership, common challenges that might be encountered include communication breakdowns, emotional sensitivity or rejection sensitive dysphoria, unequal division of responsibilities, the frustrating hyperfocus vs. task paralysis/inattentive cycle, difficulties with impulsivity, and conflict. Staying focused during conversations can be challenging for an ADHDer, as they might risk zoning out, losing focus, forgetting important details, or interrupting with tangents or unhelpful observations, or fixations on certain words or concepts and missing the bigger picture. This can lead to feeling unheard or undervalued, resulting in a lack of connection. When it comes to challenges with emotional sensitivity, ADHDers might be more sensitive to feeling rejected, criticized, or judged. The ADHDer may be navigating people pleasing or appeasement behaviours to keep safe from reproach, and this can at times look like self-sacrifice of needs or boundaries and the prioritizing of the needs of the other to ensure personal safety and connection. Unfortunately, this at times can also show up as a fibbing behaviour – where lies, omissions, or half-truths become the easy go-to for the ADHDer to avoid another let down, yet another feeling of disappointment or failure. And when those feelings of failure are activated, the ADHDer may experience a flare of rejection sensitive dysphoria – unbearable pain at perceived or real rejection, criticism, or judgment. This can lead to emotional dysregulation at inopportune times, making conflict resolution more challenging and difficult to navigate. On top of this, the impulsivity in ADHD can lead to saying things without thinking it through, surrendering to emotional impulses, rash decisions, or difficulties letting go – all of which can escalate conflicts and create repeat cycles of misunderstanding. Additionally, ADHDers can struggle with day-to-day tasks that are unstimulating and unsatisfying, leading to the non-ADHD partner feeling burdened with most of the responsibilities or feeling like they need to check and re-check to ensure tasks were completed and ensuring important things weren’t forgotten. This may be frustrating, because at the start of the relationship there may have been a hyperfocus from the ADHDer on the partner, where they engaged in love-bombing, showering their partner with attention and excitement. As this phase wanes, and the interest and novelty of the new dynamic dissipates and inattention sets in, this may lead to the non-ADHDer partner feeling confused, rejected, neglected, unimportant – or even suspicious that something is afoot. The Good Stuff Despite all of this, there are many wonderful things that an ADHD relationship might bring. Creativity and spontaneity might be present, or a drive for thrilling adventures and new experiences. There may be passion and deep loyalty, creative problem solving and outside the box thinking. There may be incredible gestures and moments of profound connection and a feeling of intense emotional satisfaction. The good news is, we can expand upon the good stuff when we seek to better understand ADHD, the impact of dopamine dysregulation, and navigating executive dysfunction challenges – all those skills that we need to be successful “adults” as we try to meet the demands of this world. But the key is education, understanding, compassion, and a willingness to support problem-solving strategies and skill-development for the areas of the dynamic that aren’t as workable. Learning to understand individual communication strategies, particularly when it comes to navigating difficult conversations, can go a long way to reducing the intensity of conflict in the dynamic. Active listening, repeating back key points to ensure understanding, planning designated times for meaningful conversations to occur, and checking in with each other’s capacity and ability to show up to difficult conversations can all have a positive impact and improve the sense of connectedness in the dynamic. It may feel inorganic, but asking your partner how they want you to show up – as a listener, someone to commiserate with, or a problem solver – can go a long way of enhancing communication as you will be more likely to get the version of your partner that you are truly seeking. Understanding how to introduce accommodations and modifications to address the core features of the ADHDer’s executive dysfunction can also change the level of tension and stress within the relationship. The ADHDer may need certain things broken down into more manageable steps to avoid overwhelm and stress, consistent and designated spaces for often misplaced items, or accommodating routines or tools such as shared calendars, alarms, alerts, and sticky notes to mitigate the harm the core features of ADHD might cause. When To Seek Support If the ADHD-related challenges are causing significant conflict, stress, and strain in the relationship, seeking professional help can be absolutely beneficial. It is important to keep in mind that it is not just the ADHDer who needs the support – the relationship is a partnership, and both partners may need support in understanding the dynamics of their relationship and the aspects of ADHD and executive dysfunction which are the source of the conflict. Therapy and ADHD coaching can provide greater understanding, education, and awareness for both partners to improve communication and gain better strategies for working with the condition, rather than against. It can be well worth the investment and can transform a once miserable dynamic back to the wonderful feelings experienced during the relationship’s infancy. Medication and lifestyle changes – particularly with diet, sleep and exercise – can also improve ADHD symptoms and relational dynamics. Recognizing ADHD’s impact, playing to its strengths, and taking proactive steps to improve communication and structure within the relationship can support the goal of a balanced, loving relationship where both partners feel valued, heard, supported, and connected. Author: Paul Welch , Registered Provisional Psychologist Additional learning can be found here: https://www.additudemag.com/secrets-of-the-adhd-brain/?srsltid=AfmBOor8jI90-NA3jlm7m2NGUT4RPuAfFg-03tGACX2bysTDEoFjbPmR https://chadd.org/attention-article/your-keys-to-a-happier-adhd-relationship/

“Is it bad to be selfish?” People often ask this question, seeking reassurance that they are not selfish – as if being selfish is unloving and being loving means being selfless.   It’s helpful to consider what we mean by selfishness.  Is it being irresponsible, narcissistic, or bad? Choosing to hurt someone? How has selfishness come to mean something harmful? We may have grown up learning that meeting our parents needs instead of our own was necessary for safety, or to keep the peace. We may have learned that saying what we want and that we matter might cause a relationship to end.  We may have been taught that we were “too much” because we wanted to be treated like we mattered. Religious organizations may have taught us that sharing and self sacrifice are loving, and selfishness is sinful. We might have learned that if we are nice and unselfish toward others, they will treat us the same way. We learn to please people and neglect our own wants, needs, and wishes. We might be worried about something bad happening if we treat ourselves as if we matter. But in the long term it’s tiring and it’s a lot of effort to anticipate another’s needs, to try to please, to avoid conflict, and to neglect ourselves. We eventually learn that being nice to others does not guarantee that others will be nice to us. True selfishness occurs when someone says they matter more and tries to get their needs and wants met regardless of how it affects others. A helpful definition of selfishness might be: treating myself as if I matter to me, or considering that my wants, needs and preferences are at least as important as other people whom we care about or are caring for.  If we can do this, we may be more likely to learn to love ourselves, as defined in the blog Feb. 7, 2025: Self-love is the ability to appreciate, accept, and care for oneself regardless of external achievements or validation (Comeau, 2025). If we can practice treating ourselves as if we matter, and question whether being selfish in this way is bad; we might learn to enjoy it. We may come to trust that what we want, and need is legitimate, regardless of how others treat us or what we have accomplished. When we are honest in a relationship about what we want and need, everyone benefits – and there is more security – not less – in the relationship. To help practice we can ask ourselves: “why do I think this is selfish? What am I worried will happen? Is this true?  Maybe we can trust that we don’t want to hurt someone and that relationships might last or improve if we consider our wants and needs. If we are with people who have the willingness and ability to disagree and problem solve, and to consider everyone’s wants and needs as much as possible, we can learn to practice this kind of “selfishness” without criticizing ourselves for being bad or mean or all the other labels that might keep us neglecting ourselves. We can strive for honesty and acceptance in relationships about what we each want and need. Everyone benefits and there is more security – not less. We are seeking in therapy to learn to be the authority in our own lives: to make our own preferences, wants and needs known to others and to have the freedom to choose how we can get those wants and needs met and which ones we can compromise on.  It’s when we feel we can’t choose because of fear of being “selfish”, that fear takes away our choices. Instead of selfish, how about treating ourselves as if we matter? Author: Jodey Sharman , Reg. Psychologist

We are surrounded by media, ads, movies and more that bombard us with the ideal of finding love, and not just love… but Love, the real kind of one, the one with the big L. And when this does not happen, and it’s not always a smooth sail, we start questioning what is wrong, if we picked the right person, if we are the right person, if we are wasting time, if maybe you’re settling, if they just don’t get us, if you’re just too different or too the same… if, maybe, perhaps, might be…   A disclaimer before we go any further, if you feel you are trapped in a relationship that is unhealthy for you, if your freedom, safety and care are endangered, ask for help and seriously consider getting out of a system that is not good for you.  If, instead, you are just wondering why things are different than they were before, if you don’t have the same sensations of butterflies in your belly like at the beginning, or if you’re just feeling stagnant, well then, let’s talk…!   Perfect until proven flawed    Maybe you met your someone and you felt like everything was great, you didn’t have to force any conversation because they just ‘get you’; all the pieces fell into place, and it was just perfect. But now you start to see that the way they laugh is kind of odd, and they are a tiny bit too sensitive, they like to point out typos on menu and you think that is a bit pretentious, or maybe they call you pretentious because you like to find typos on menus. And it’s just not perfect anymore.    That seems like a bummer, but the fact is that there is no one that is perfect for you, hence a first thing that we can do to improve our relationship is to get rid of that ideal. Better said than done, I know. But if you think about all the time that you are spending and all that it’s costing you, how much are you sacrificing because of this ideal? What if instead you try to have an ideal for what it could be, something that you aspire to, but ultimately is just an aspiration, and you start living your relationship fully? Perfectly flawed like any other, and you (together with your partner) work on little twists and turns to get as close as you can to what you desire?   The split heart pendant   It’s always heartwarming when two teenagers in love exchange their ‘half heart pendant’, a symbol of belonging and wholesomeness. It is ingrained in our concept of love to find the one with the other half of our pendant, the one that completes us, and makes us feel ‘whole’. The only challenge with this is that eventually, we discover that if we put on someone else our capacity to feel ‘whole’, that will inevitably come at our expense. Every human is complete, alone and with others, and trying to find someone to fulfill a sense of void will probably lead to relational dynamics of dependence and excessive reliance.   Trust and reliance are essential components of a healthy relationship; they stem from a sense of being good alone, and better with your significant other. Developing this understanding, working to be complete individually, is the cornerstone of a strong relationship.   It shouldn’t be so difficult   We frequently think that if we have to put that much of an effort it’s not meant to be. This is a judgement that minds come up with quite quickly. If your partner had your same love language it would be easier, if they liked the same food, if they wanted to have sex the same number of times, if they managed money as well as you, if they liked spending time with your family more… Look how easy it is to get lost in ‘ifs’. We’re right back at the same point, finding the right person, but we already agree that that’s a unicorn.   Although some couples are more similar than others, you’ll always find big differences between you and your partner that will be hard to manage. Relationships aren’t easy. That’s just it. You need to be a negotiator, a caregiver, a lover, a therapist, and so many other things… and at the same time you need to make sure that what you want goes heard and is not neglected. As such, your mind goes right away to the differences because they drag more attention. The cost of that is that you might be missing out on what you have in common, what you are doing in the here-and-now, and what experiences you are living together because you are caught up in this ‘spot the difference’ game. What if, for this time, you notice that difference, say something like ‘mmh, yes, I guess it’s there’ and then take a big breath and re-focus on what is around you? Working on learning how to accept these difficult feelings and cognition, and at the same time building a life towards what matters to you, can help you let go of these bothersome pebbles in your shoe.   And they lived happily ever after….   Often people chase that butterfly sensation in their stomach, again, that big L love. Little do they know that that sensation is our body trying to tell us that something is wrong. Yes, because when you’re in that honeymoon phase, you’re just a walking bomb of hormones. Your prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain involved in problem-solving, reasoning, morality, and planning) shuts down, which gives a lot of power to your ‘emotional brain’, and you see only how good  you are together. Your body has no other choice than to secrete some stress hormones (that cause the characteristic ‘gut sensation’) to let you know that turning off your brain might not be the best decision after all. But you really have no control over that.   Point being, that when these hormones finally settle (between six months to a year), you start seeing the other for who they really are. Lots of people interpret this as a sign that the spark has gone, love has faded, and they give up to the idea that love is forever and shouldn’t change. But that is actually when ‘falling in love’ becomes ‘loving’. Inevitably, whatever each person identifies as the feeling of love comes and goes, has ups and downs, and sometimes ends. However, if you think of love as an action, then when you realize that the spark has gone, there is your chance! That is your signal that you can finally see the other person in a more objective light and decide if you want to build something deeper together. Of course that comes with the unwanted perk of being vulnerable, compromising, being frustrated and many other things that deep connections imply. But if you think of acting  love, instead of feeling  love, you can still be frustrated, or angry, or excited, and act out your love and hug and take care of the other. Because that is where your power, your strength comes from; it's what you do that matters.    Author: Vincenzo Sabella, MC Student References   Harris, R. (2009). ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.   Harris, R. (2019). ACT made simple: An easy-to-read primer on acceptance and commitment therapy (2nd;2; ed.). New Harbinger Publications.   Translated by Content Engine LLC. (2023). Butterflies in the stomach and a lump in the throat? how the body speaks to us when emotions overwhelm us (English ed.). ContentEngine LLC, a Florida limited liability company.